When I was almost a teenager, I loved a person more than any other in my life. We had a strong friendship, and my affection grew. After some time, my maker reached out to me via a Biblical Comic book that my friend received. She told me. I did not listen.
I grew more and more attached to this friend, and reasoned within myself that since my maker loved me, he would never take this person away. After a few years, circumstances changed, and that friend and I parted ways.
Once I saw in a vision that I was in a garden, full of flowers in bloom. Each flower was perfect. There was no death in that garden. I thought of holding one in my hand. As soon as I thought it, one of the flowers was plucked and in my hand. I felt sorrow for I thought I had killed the flower. But, that flower was still fully alive. Then, I felt jealous of the flowers, because they were so tough but I so easily hurt.
I therefore thought to destroy the garden, and as I thought of slicing up all the flowers, it was done. Then I left the garden, and saw the gardener coming towards me. Guilt, I felt, for I had just destroyed his garden. The justification rose within me that since I had been hurt, it was okay for me to hurt others. Immediately, I realized that the gardener had one me no wrong. My hurt was caused by my own choices. Then there was light, and I woke up with a large emotional wound healed.
I should have realized the obvious that my maker had healed me, but I hardened my heart. I said that since there was no physical evidence of the event, it was just my imagination.
Once, during high school Summer Break, I had a large group of friends and we enjoyed ourselves daily with sports and video games. It became our routine to do video games and swimming in the morning, have a light snack for lunch, and then from lunch till dinner to play soccer.
After a few weeks of this routine, my body indicated that it could not keep up. I became very prone to cramps after supper. If I got up too fast or made another sudden movement, my body would cramp up.
One such night, as I was sleeping, and turned in bed. Immediately I felt cramps in front and on the back side of my body. I thought of crying out for help, but I felt sure that my chest and throat would cramp up if I did that, and that would take away my ability to breathe. I might have tried that, but I was also sure that I could not live without breathing long enough for any ambulance to arrive.
Now, there are bearable things, and un-bearable things. I consider un-relieved cramps to be clearly in the un-bearable category.
How to get relief? Being a Hindu from India, I had always been taught, that if you believe something strong enough, it becomes reality – believe in a fake god, and it turns into a real god.
With all my heart I tried believing that the cramps were not there. But, the cramps were still there.
Then, I thought to focus on something else, and forget about the cramps. But, the pain was still there.
I tried to think of bad things to take my mind off the cramps, but that actually made the pain worse.
Last of all, after having (quickly) exhausted every other reasonable path, I remembered my maker. I thought if God exists, he can hear me, and he is can help me.
Thus, I said within my heart, God, if you are there, please help me. Immediately, the pain was gone, and I was healed. Not only of the cramps was I healed! The next morning I woke up without any tiredness or soreness in my muscles. I don’t think my body was ever in better health.
It was obvious that there was a God, my maker, who knows all, hears all, is loving-kind, is merciful, and is able to help us in every situation.
But, instead of acknowledging the obvious, I hardened my heart, and said to myself that I was like the fictional character of super-man, and that I had super powers, like super-healing, which only emerged when I desperately needed them.
It was false and foolish, but that is what I chose to believe.
At that time we used to live in apartments with a lot of other people around. Some time later, as I was talking with my friends in an open area, a young man came up to us who lived nearby with his mother. He told us that the LORD Jesus had asked him to come and speak to us. We used to be friendly with this young man, but had not seen him for several months. He told us that he had had an illness which caused his spine to be bent all the time. After some months of suffering like this, he had called upon the name of the LORD Jesus, and been delivered from that illness, and was made straight and whole. This he told us and invited us to know the LORD Jesus.
We made some talk and turned him away. This young man did not leave my thoughts. He visited us once or twice more, and then stopped. I thought within myself, that it was indeed possible that Jesus Christ was the God or the way to the God. But, I had my hindu upbringing and friends from various religions. Therefore I decided that I would try to find God in every other place and way I could think. If that did not work, then I would try Jesus Christ.
During college, I realized life was tough, and that to endure one needs at least two things. The first is a reason to live. And the second is the strength to live. I felt I could not go on living without these two.
Failed attempt #1: I looked at the army people, and watched a series called ‘Band of Brothers’, and thought they looked wonderfully motivated. I dropped out of college, and joined the army. (This was in the early days of the US war in Afganistan.) It did not take more than a few days in Transition camp and Boot camp to realize that the discipline and enthusiasm displayed by soldiers was not due to the knowledge of a higher secret of life. They were trained to act that way, and after enough training they acted that way. Soon after realizing this I was speaking to a counselor, and told him that the army life was not for me. I was soon discharged, before finishing Boot Camp.
Failed attempt #2: After leaving the army, I re-enrolled in university. I saw an invitation to join a fraternity, and took them up on the offer. I thought that those who are partying seem to be wonderfully motivated. I did the fraternity rituals along with the drinking and partying. I realized this was just forgetfulness and waste. No higher purpose of life was found.
Failed attempt #3: In high school, my english teacher had mentioned that my thinking aligned with Buddhist philosophy. Buddhism is also well reputed in India. I started reading the Buddhist texts I could find at the college library. The big thing in Buddhism was ascetism, which is to deny physical desires. I did that, eating un-pleasant things, and spending time without thought to physical comfort. God and the meaning of life were not found. Buddhist philosophy realizes that to have peace, one must have clean actions and clean thoughts. That may be why some of the ascetics go into isolation – because they know they will start thinking and doing bad things if around people.
But ascetism made my flesh scream louder for pleasures.
Buddhism offers another solution for a clean thought life – meditation. The thinking is that if I am thinking about a flower sitting in front of me, I would not be thinking about doing some bad thing at the same time. I tried that procedure with all my heart. While I was focusing on such object, I would not think about something evil. But, I was unable to maintain such focus for long. And as soon as I left focusing on that object, all the bad thoughts and desires I had would come back extra strong.
Failed attempt #4: I had had close Muslim friends in high school and college. I read the Quran (english translation). I sent a list of questions to my muslim friends, but they did not have any answers. I did learn something though. The Quran teaches that God is big and mighty, an ought to be feared. So, I tried the fear of God. It did help me feel a bit better, but when temptations hit to do what I knew I would regret later, I was still not able to resist. The power to choose right was still missing.
Failed attempt #5: Being a hindu from India, I did put forth a true and valiant effort to find God Almighty through hinduism. I read ramayana and had watched mahabharata. I read the bhagvad gita and the writings of acknoledged great hindu gurus. With a friend’s help I started following a guru, and when he had to leave due to immoral behaviour with some female student, I picked up another guru with some others. I learned some things. Once when I was doing praise and worship of one of the hindu deities, I felt that deity enter the room, and I got to know that being’s intentions towards me. They were not good. That deity wanted to not just hurt or abuse me. That deity wanted to destroy me till there was nothing left to destroy. I was scared, for I knew not that the Almighty God was holding back this being from hurting me. That caused me to loose what little peace I had, and I could no longer even sleep peacefully. The Almighty, All-knowing, Caring God who made me and loved me, I found not via my attempts in hinduism.
Successful Attempt: While following the latter hindu guru, I had gotten a job and moved out with a room-mate, who happened to be Christian. He gifted me with a bible, and invited me to attend church and bible studies. I believed that since there was only one true God, we both must be worshipping him in our own ways, so I was happy to attend. This was early spring 2005. I went to church, went to Bible Studies, read hindu guru teachings, and remained a hindu . . . for some months. At one point someone asked me what my basis of thinking was. I realized that I was putting the guru’s teachings and the bible’s teachings on the same level. And, wherever they did not agree, I would ignore the bible’s teachings.
Now the guru I had claimed to be a re-incarnation of Jesus Christ. So, I reasoned within myself that if I put the Bible first, that should only strengthen the guru’s teachings. So I put the bible first, and started reading the book of Matthew, believing it to be true. Instantly I started many places where the bible did not agree with the guru’s teachings. I compiled a list of these and emailed them to the guru, who did not respond for many months.
At that time, I regularly travelled to Texas for work. During one such trip, I was sitting in the hotel room, and reading the first book of John (gospel of John). I was reading in the third chapter, and came upon verse 15, which says, “That whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have eternal life.” My chosen profession is Software Programmer, and this made logical sense to me. (Why, this is an ‘If-Then’ statement, I thought.) Here was something I could test. Now, I did not know what this ‘eternal life’ was, but the people in Church thought it was a great deal.
So, alone in that hotel room, I said within my heart, “I believe in Jesus Christ according to the Bible.” (I believed that the real all-knowing God could read my thoughts.) As soon as I said that in my heart, immediately, I felt something like light come into the hotel room’s window and come into me. Instantly, I realized some new things. One: I was reconciled to God, and there was no more enmity between us. Two: God was my father now. Three: Since God is bigger than all the creatures, which he created, he can protect me from every creature. I was able to sleep peacefully that night after years of troubled and watchful sleep. A few days later, I read that those who believe in Jesus Christ receive the gift of God’s Holy Spirit.